Aspergers, regrets and pains
As someone with Aspergers I have grown up my whole life constantly being quite awkward and strange around people by doing, saying and just being plain weird 24/7 that wasn't to my control as my mind was just so complicated to understand for some reason?
Even before and after I got the diagnosis for Aspergers I have and had said so many things I really really regret to this day unable to erase these horrible and embarrassing moments from mind. Almost every single day these embarrassing memories I look back on whether I'd be a really really socially awkward thing I said back in middle school to someone, an unknowingly threatening thing I had said in Highschool in a fit of rage resulting in a suspension or a random bad just anything else that I look back on that was not good to do around any people at the time that I now looking back on that haunt me as yet to be healed emotional scars that plague my mind and sanity to this day.
I don't understand the way the world works around me all throughout my childhood, people screaming at me to get with it, telling me to suck it up, telling me to conform to be like them and all I feel is anger and anger them.
Anger to all they stand for......
Anger toward them of the mainstream society for wanting me to be a mindless drone like them with no creative.......
Anger I still have to this day toward society in general
Then I loads out at these people but in end up hurting those whom done the least of harm to me like my family, long forgotten friends and so many others.
The regrets and pains drive into my brain like needles painful and long lasting unable to leave me.
The only thing that drives me to live is the hope one day in the future that I find someone in this world whom truly understands me....preferably a woman of great inner and outer beauty whom would be my mate to love me until my chains sorrow are cut away by the liberating sword of her love.