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ASpie by The8TrackKid


Submitted on
April 23


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Aspergers, regrets and pains

As someone with Aspergers I have grown up my whole life constantly being quite awkward and strange around people by doing, saying and just being plain weird 24/7 that wasn't to my control as my mind was just so complicated to understand for some reason?

Even before and after I got the diagnosis for Aspergers I have and had said so many things I really really regret to this day unable to erase these horrible and embarrassing moments from mind. Almost every single day these embarrassing memories I look back on whether I'd be a really really socially awkward thing I said back in middle school to someone, an unknowingly threatening thing I had said in Highschool in a fit of rage resulting in a suspension or a random bad just anything else that I look back on that was not good to do around any people at the time that I now looking back on that haunt me as yet to be healed emotional scars that plague my mind and sanity to this day.

I don't understand the way the world works around me all throughout my childhood, people screaming at me to get with it, telling me to suck it up, telling me to conform to be like them and all I feel is anger and anger them.

Anger to all they stand for......

Anger toward them of the mainstream society for wanting me to be a mindless drone like them with no creative.......

Anger I still have to this day toward society in general

Then I loads out at these people but in end up hurting those whom done the least of harm to me like my family, long forgotten friends and so many others.

The regrets and pains drive into my brain like needles painful and long lasting unable to leave me.

The only thing that drives me to live is the hope one day in the future that I find someone in this world whom truly understands me....preferably a woman of great inner and outer beauty whom would be my mate to love me until my chains sorrow are cut away by the liberating sword of her love.
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SeriesArtiststarter Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm gonna tell you all this once, because believe me, whether it's true or not I can say this clearly and freely, for I, myself, am Insane as well as diagnosed as an autistic individual since near birth, the insanity part became more apparent later in life but the points I'm trying to make are these.

1. Fools are fools, do not rise to the challenge unless they lay a hand on you or someone else.

2. Everyone makes mistakes, some are harder to forget or become distracted from then others, so make sure your mind and body are distracted be doing something else, something fun in engaging otherwise you will be up late into the dead of the night regretting everything, unable to sleep and just feeling so disgusted. Point is it is possible to move on, the trick is to Distract.

3. We are monsters, we are people, we are sentient beings, we are what we want to be or choose to be, through the paths we take or the trails we make; the possibilities are just there.  
Jenny345 Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014
... I can relate.
RocketLaramie Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014
In my opinion, you should try to be happy for yourself, not just to wait for another person to make you happy. If you find that person, it would be great and I hope you can, but you shouldn't wait for it to be happy, and you shouldn't put into another person the responsibility of solve the lacks of yours that really are your responsibility. Besides it's difficult to know how to love someone, how to keep a relationship with others, if you haven't a good relationship with yourself.

You should be the first one who do something for your situation to change, not just waiting for something you don't know and if it happens, waiting for it to change your life. The first one who have to love you and understand you is YOU. 

First of all, you shouldn't torture you with your thinks and sensations from the past. I know it's too difficult, but it's feasible, and what you're doing is poisoning you again and again. Of course you feel so bad, you must take out the poison from your mind. 

Don't think I don't understand you, I understand your situation much better you can imagine, but the way you deal with it is hurting you even more, and you can do it much better.

Be sure of who you are, your feelings and thinks, and just understand that people who do that things which hurt you have lot of lacks in their behaviour,in their minds, and can't understand lot of things too, and most of them are slaves of society and have a big problem to think for themselfs correctly. Love you as much as you don't allow anybody to change yourself because of sadness or anger, to make you suffer or to make destroy yourself. You already suffered a lot because of them, don't suffer now because of you. 
dragonfire1000 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry, but being angry at the world and dwelling on past mistakes is not going to make you a better person, it will only feed into becoming more antisocial and reclusive towards society. It's a vicous cycle and it doesn't help when you get mad at them too. I know in the past with my experiences it was frustrating to not be able to explain everything about my disorder crystal clear and say things I may regret later on accidentally, and especially not pick up on body language or social cues, which is what I still in a way struggle with to this day, but there is a way to get better even with challenges like these.


Mistakes are all a part of our lives, big and small and making mistakes is part of learning. Instead of thinking how badly you screwed up, think about how you could have handled that differently and apply it. The other thing you should do is seek advice. Someone tells you that something is not right, ask why or how its not right. Gain an understanding and concept based on that and you'll find things will get better.

Second thing is don't harbor hate. Anger doesn't make it easier to think, it brings up your adrenaline which makes it easier to make mistakes and do impulsive things, plus it also makes it harder to adapt and most importantly better understand society.

Everything is as you make it, if you believe your mistakes are going to be something that will dig into your mind for all eternity, then they will, but if you realize, "hey, you know I made these mistakes but now I know those are wrong to do and I'll remember that and become better" then it will stop.

I will start by giving you advice about what you said in that last part about the whole finding a mate thing. I mean yeah you think that only finding some person or woman that understands you makes your life meaningful, but you can't always depend on people to make you happy.  I mean yeah that is something to definitely strive for but it shouldn't be the determining factor of your life. You have family and that's a very important thing. Most people aren't lucky enough to have parents or a family, and they are there for you to support you, even if they may say hurtful things sometimes.

Second thing I want to say about the statement is how you worded it, and this is the social critique I talked about earlier with advice. The way you worded it sounds a bit desperate, although it probably wasn't how you meant it, that is how most people would see that statement. What is also very awkward to say is when you said  "I find someone in this world whom truly understands me....preferably a woman of great inner and outer beauty whom would be my mate to love me " is on the verge of being creepy at the least. You do not simply jump right into love or being "mates" right off the hop, you meet someone, establish a friendship, and eventually somewhere along the road a friendship becomes a serious romance. Nobody asks to find a mate and expects an instant romance unless they're desperate. Even in dating sites, people don't say "hey you look pretty, and understand me, will you love me" unless they're desperate, and that usually results in creeping people out. 

hopefully that gives you some insight to help you improve socially, other than that, the rest is up to you how you use the advice.
EricThomasStudios Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014  Professional General Artist
I've got the memory problem, too. It royally sucks to have every stupid thing we've done and experienced trapped forever in our brain, no matter how inconsequential the events were.
Lightsthroughshadow Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Student Photographer
We Aspies need that machine from Total Recall to erase our memories or alter them to something better maybe each machine sold could come with a Kate Beckinsale clone too :)
kidliquorice Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist
Be careful what you wish for. Memory manipulation has already been done on mice. I don't want to be next.
EricThomasStudios Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Professional General Artist
That would be awesome! On both counts :D
Lightsthroughshadow Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Student Photographer
Which would be better the a total recall machine or a Kate Beckinsale Clone the comes with it?
EricThomasStudios Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Professional General Artist
If you have the machine, you can just fake that the Beckinsale clone existed, so I'll have to go with that one.
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